Well what can I say? :
- I'm sorry
- It won't happen again
- I've caused you all so much loss and heart wrenching pain
????
Yeah I know, I started a blog, came out with some fanf@ckingtastic ideas and then let it slip slide away and let my ridiculous life get in the way of it all…
Oh well after a recent enquiry as to whether I still write a blog: "Do you still do your blog?" I decided to get my backside in gear and get publishing some of the stuff I've been secretly noting down……
What has happened to me in the past year? Sweet f@cking Jesus it's been mad! READY??? SET??? GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
After a nightmare Christmas of working all the hours under the sun our fuel bill did actually look like we'd been travelling to the Sun and back each day. The Dirty Robbing Bastards.
So myself and JD sat down for about 5 minutes and hatched a brilliant, money saving, G.E.N.I.U.S plan……."LET'S MOVE HOUSE!"
How hard could this be? We'd both moved before (not together), people did this everyday – it'll be fine……
We found and secured a house (apparently Estate Agents knowing the ins and outs of a Ducks Arse and my inside leg measurement is required when moving).
We moved in March and decided we'd not employ professional movers – we'd do it all ourselves. I was getting in from work and finding that JD had decided to "help" with the "packing" I put these words into quotation marks because JD's idea of packing is boxes marked with "My Crap", "Your Crap" and "Kids Crap". Any people viewing said boxes would have no confusion about the fact our house was full of shit.
So off we went one Saturday morning… All it took was 3 van loads, a body builder, a 5 year old, Me, JD, Mumina and a really lovely Anally Retentive letting agent (ARLA) to make the day go brilliantly.
We get to the house and via text message I get:
ARLA: | "Your deposit hasn't cleared" |
Me: | "It was paid in full, in cash, yesterday" |
ARLA: | "Yes but on my system its showing as not cleared" |
Me: | "What system?" |
ARLA: | "Our system" |
Me: | "What exactly is it saying on your system?" |
ARLA: | "That the money is there but it doesn't say cleared" |
Me: | "Can you spend it?" |
ARLA: | "Pardon?" |
Me: | "Can you go to a cashpoint, draw out the money and spend it?" |
ARLA: | "Well yes of course, but it hasn't cleared" |
Me: | "Then it's cleared" |
ARLA: | "No because it doesn't say 'cleared' |
I had to leave this conversation then due to my lack of patience, the fact I was seriously considering taking up smoking again and that I needed a wee.
1 hour, 2 visits to the bank, 2 visits to ASDA (I needed a wee, twice) later we were in the house and began unloading the van.
As we only told a few people that we were moving – we wanted it to be a surprise (Que laughter at this the very thought of this now) we only had the help of the body Builder who had to leave halfway through the day due to a Body Building event (I know a body builder - at a Body Building event? Who'd a thought it?) Anyway I digress – We were one man down (well 2 really when you see the size of him) and the fish tank was still to be moved………
You know that moment you fear the most? All the hairs on the back of your neck stand up? Beads of sweat can be seen on your face? That was the reaction my body went into whenever JD discussed the moving of a 6Ft by 4Ft Marine Fish Tank.
I knew JD needed to get the tank moved and the sooner the better or his OCD's would kick in and he'd start repeatedly washing his hands and stuttering. I also knew that for our relationship to last I should not take part in the moving of the fish tank. JD rang round a few mates and then one unsuspecting fool said "Yeah mate, no worries, I'll help you".
It was getting dark and I needed to get on with unpacking, take Mumina home and get some dinner sorted out. 6 hours later I return home and operation 'Fish Tank' was coming to a close: JD's unsuspecting mate had had to stand in the back of a removal van, in the pitch black, holding onto an empty tank whilst the fish rode in buckets up front with JD!!! JD had to keep pulling over to check his mate hadn't been crushed by the tank and that the fish were stable (God only knows how you check if is fish is 'Stable' – check his bank balance?). They'd got the tank in the new house and were filling it up when I got back.
We finally sat down at about 11pm. JD kept almost a constant vigil; tank-side, watching the fish and checking they were eating etc…
Over the next couple of weeks we unpacked, got all the rooms sorted and went back to our normal working lives without the payments to travel to the Sun and back. We were almost smug at how well we'd done and how well the children had coped with it all. We even remembered to bring the cat with us!
We had our first 'Official' Family Movie Night a few weeks after we moved. We had popcorn, sweets and lots of alcohol (not for the kids obviously – the sweets would rot their teeth). We go to bed loving our new house and happy that we'd made, hopefully, the right choice.
We get up Saturday morning and………..
ALL THE F@CKING FISH WERE DEAD!
Delayed shock apparently.
No comments:
Post a Comment