Well it’s most certainly been a long time since I last wrote and I must apologise profusely as I know you’ve all deeply missed me – Yeah right.
I feel I may have slightly spoiled you in the beginning and let you all in on far too much, too soon. That and the fact I’ve been proper, mad busy since September. I also fear you have all left me forever and gone on to read bigger, better blogs….
So what have I, my Maaaaad Children and JD been up to?? Much of the same strange things has occurred as before…. Just the other day I had a bed pan full of urine thrown at me and then went on to talk to a dead person for over a minute.
Yes, you read correctly…Bed Pan, Urine, and Dead Person.
As most of you know I work in a hospital and was busy working, one evening on a Ward, upgrading the televisions in the patients’ rooms.
It started well going from room to room with me pushing a giant red ladder and pulling a trolley full of remote controls, Freeview boxes and other TV paraphernalia.
The first incident came in the form of me knocking over a man’s false leg. He wasn’t wearing it (luckily), it was propped up against a wall and I didn’t notice it. I just found it odd that it was:
A) Wearing a shoe, indoors
B) Propped up on the wall furthest away from the bed
I first apologised for knocking over said leg and then asked the man if he’d like it put in his locker? To which he replied: “Yes please, I’ve already had one nicked”.
This did lead to A LOT of burning questions I had a desire to ask but didn’t as time was ticking on and it could be deemed as rude. Is false leg questioning taboo? I don’t know, but thought it best not to go there.
So I left false leg man and carried on with the rooms. In the next room I came to, on my merry dance of TV repairs, I found a man sitting in his chair doing the Times Crossword ("Ahhh" I thought "He'll be ok"). We discussed the weather, his stay in hospital and couple of clues from the crossword – It was going so well until I heard him utter “show me your tits”…
Me “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite hear that?” (Smile on my face trying not to look scared or annoyed)
Boob Man “I said: Won’t you show me your tits? You look like a fine woman and it’d be a lovely treat for a man of my age”.
Me “I’m sorry, by doing that you could either end up with another heart attack, or vomitting and I don’t want to be responsible for either”
I left him laughing, with Dickenson’s Real Deal on the TV and me in shock…
“WHAT ELSE CAN HAPPEN?”
The next room I came to I didn’t even get a chance to ask if I was allowed in.. A bed pan came flying at me followed by another, full of urine… I ducked. It was a brilliant shot and an unlucky miss for the lady that threw it. For me it was confirmation that I had reached a strange high of my day… Or so I thought.
I turned the corner and begun the home stretch, I could see the finish line… The only way is up right?
I decided that for the rest of the rooms I should just keep my head down, not make eye contact, get in there and get the job done:
I entered, told the patient what I was doing there, keeping my ‘no eye contact’ rule, changed the boxes over, put the signs up, went to give the patient the remotes……………… And he was dead.
I MUST point out that:
A) There were NO signs on the door indicating a departed soul was in there
B) He was NOT alive when I went in there and I had bored him to death
C) I apologised to him and quickly left the room
The rest of the rooms came and went in a blur (yes I was mad enough to finish the ward).
The ward clerk consoled me by saying “At least they didn’t throw vomit at you, which happened to me twice last week”.
I thanked my lucky stars it wasn’t vomit, as that stuff sticks.